New Olympic Sport

I swear to you if pouting was an Olympic sport, PB would get a gold metal today.  I'm sure hormones are contributing to this particular trait this morning.  However, its been two days without KC who's out of town on a work trip.  She's been a mood since right before he left.  Let me back up a bit...

I think it all started on Friday night when she called her friends that are still at the orphanage.  We had to try for a good 30 minutes before we were able to get a hold of them. She talked to several of them during that call.  She talked for about 90 or so minutes (thank goodness skype is only 2.3 cents a minute!).  She was very excited about the call...and was literally jumping around the house she was so excited.  She really enjoyed talking with them since she hadn't since we got home from China.  She has such a difficult time understanding the 13 hour time difference.  I cannot tell you how many times I have explained to her, she still seems to forget. (Another one of those moments I have to remember she's really only 7 or 8.)  At any rate, she was very happy.  I'm quite sure it was very late before she was finally able to fall asleep.

Saturday seemed fine.  Sunday, however, was a tough day at our house.  Jelly seemed to be in a mood and was behaving badly (hitting, spitting, screaming, etc.).  But she was behaving that way to everyone...it was not aimed at just one person.  So, after Jelly went to bed, PB started a conversation (via translator) about how her sister was a horrible child.  It then moved to Google translate...where she further told me she did not like her sister because she was "not good".  The bottom line was that she did not feel that we were addressing the poor behavior Jelly was expressing.  She was concerned that Jelly would be even more mean and naughty when she got older.  PB felt that her friends' sisters were all very good, but her sister was not.  I tried to explain to her that I guaranteed that her friends had moments when everything was not rosie.  She disagreed.  Then the tears came.  The sadness in her eyes...it made me want to embrace her to provide comfort (she wanted nothing to do with the embrace). I suggested we call one of her friends, M, who's been home since September and has a younger sister.  At first, she didn't want to.  But, an hour later, she said yes she did want to call her.

So, after an hour of us talking about the same things (us saying, the girl is FOUR YEARS old...sometimes they misbehave. That's what 4 yr olds do).  She called M.  M's mom and I have chatted on numerous occasions. They cried together on skype.  M's mom tried to help M explain to PB how difficult it was when she first came home.  How her sister had trouble sharing her mom & dad as well.  That this is all new for Jelly, too.  We ended up on the phone for 2 hours.  Poor KC had to get up ridiculously early to catch his early flight.  He wanted to go to bed early, but this conversation started at 7:30pm, and he stuck it out until the end.  PB would ask M to tell us something.  One thing she said was that the way Jelly acted was like a stick going into her heart.  (A little dramatic, I would say.)  At any rate, I knew the entire discussion and pain she felt had very little to do with Jelly and everything to do with PB's realization that the vacation was over.  Her friends were still at the orphanage (although one is meeting her forever family in a few days).  She knew her safe place at the orphanage. She knew her place at the orphanage.  She could stay away from people she didn't care for (when she didn't care for them) at the orphanage.  But here, this is forever.  She hasn't found her "safe place" when she was sad or hurt or frustrated.  She realizes that she's not going back.  I think that is exciting on one hand and on the other hand she wants what she is familiar with.  I can appreciate that. 

At the end of the entire thing, she said she could forgive her sister for not being kind (she is FOUR after all!) like it never happened.  Yesterday she woke up still a bit mopey.  We went to the zoo with some friends.  I thought she'd enjoy it...she loves animals and she loves zoos.  She did not like it.  When I asked her why, she said because there was no peacock.  Seriously???  You mean being literally within arms reach of giraffes (another favorite animal) wasn't good?  I said, well, that's too bad, as I'm sure we'll be here several more times in the future (we have a membership).  As I was discussing it with KC last night, I realized the reason she probably did not like it was because in China the animals are in cages with cement floors and bars.  In fact, I would venture to guess the cages for a tiger is smaller than my 17'x18' living room.  Our zoo has more natural habitat areas.  The elephants, giraffes, zebras and gazelles have over 5 acres to roam on.  They have several areas where you can see them, but they are not RIGHT IN YOUR face like in China.  The tiger's habitat is probable an acre, so you don't always get to see them.  These are the kinds of zoos she's familiar with.  So from that perspective, I can see how she wouldn't like it.  She liked the cheetah area because they were pacing right up by the window.  But she was all mopey at the zoo, too...so I don't know what her deal was.  She did eventually get over it and was better toward the end.

When we got back, all of us were tired.  Jelly got up before 5am and I hadn't gotten into bed until after 11pm.  I had slept horrible, too.  So, we all took a nap.  Then she woke up and just complained about how cold she was.  I suggested she go outside (it was over 100* out) to warm up.  She didn't want to do that. She just wanted to grumble about being cold.  I suggested she get the mail.  She didn't want to do that either.  So, Jelly & I walked down there...and was mad about that, but she eventually got over it (I guess).

Today she didn't want to go for a short walk (normally she loves to go for walks).  So, Jelly & I just went around the neighborhood.  I mean, really.  I guess I need to get used to having the teen girl in my house...and they tend to pout and mope around.  I just have so little patience for that type of behavior regardless of who has it!

Grieving: Me not Her

One thing that has taken me by surprise on this journey has been my grief.  I'm not grieving over the life we've lost.  Not at all. I'm grieving over the time we missed.  I look at Jelly and I am overwhelmed with how blessed we are to be her parents.  Don't get me wrong, I feel the same about PB, but I grieve that PB wasn't with us when she was 4.  Yes, we did miss the first 10 months of Jelly's life.  And I had to grieve over that, too.  But I missed the past 13 YEARS of PB life.  I wasn't there to comfort her when she had the stomach bug.  I missed tending to her when she got the chicken pox. I'm sad I wasn't there when she was so sick for two MONTHS that the teachers told her she was lucky to survive.  Yes, she was that sick.  She did not know what was wrong, but she was in isolation.  In fact, there was only one girl who was willing to play with her as she wasn't afraid to get whatever PB had.  Boy, that breaks my heart.  I stare at Jelly's face while she sleeps peacefully in my arms, and I grieve over not having had that pleasure with PB.  My heart overflows with love for Jelly.  I love PB.  I really, truly do.  I'm completely overwhelmed at what God has done in her life without us.  I'm overwhelmed that WE get to be her forever family.  God has blessed me SO MUCH with two amazing girls.  And my love for PB continues to grow.  My favorite part of the day is bedtime.  Not just because I finally get to fall into bed (and maybe KC & I have some time to talk about day/week/future), but because I get to hug PB and kiss her on the head.  I can sometimes squeeze in a hug here or there, but I ALWAYS get one at bedtime.  In fact, the other day I had to run some errands after dinner, and I was honestly sad that I was going to miss giving her my nighttime hug/kisses.  I hoped she would still be up when I got home, but she had gone to bed (she often goes to bed very early if its just KC at home).

We've made such progress in the six weeks we've been a family of 4.  And I look forward to what the future holds for her.  For us.  I do get tired of the complaining how hot it is...after all it is summer.  But, that's probably the typical 13 year old behavior.  I'm so glad that God brought PB to us. 

Struggles Round 1

I would be lying if I said that I was completely enamored by PB.  I realize she's only been in our family for 4 weeks, but there are times I really do not like her.  Don't get me wrong, she is amazing. And I would not blame these times I am not enamored by her on her, but take complete responsibility for the fact that I need to focus on getting to know her more and embrace OUR new family.  Overall, she is a great fit for our family.  She loves Jelly very, very much (and tells anyone who asks her--in English or Chinese).  Jelly really, really loves PB as well.  She certainly complements are family quite well.  But there are times that I think, why did we change what we had?  Life with Jelly was plenty.  PB is a  negotiator (in fact, she should consider studying law!).  And its constant negotiation.  Constant.  It could be bedtime, how long she talks to her friends, when she takes a shower, what she can eat (and how much!) or any other host of possibilities.  It becomes exhausting at times.

One area that we started working on over the past few days is food.  I don't recall it being much of an issue in China, but once we got home she began overeating.  I'm not just talking about occasionally binging on a food.  I mean eating 2 whole sandwiches (complete with 4 pieces of bread, turkey, cheese and peanut butter) in addition to rice or noodles or whatever we are having.  The girl is not THAT big.  Seriously.  There is no way that she can eat 2 grill cheese sandwiches, a ton of watermelon, some strawberries and juice for one meal.  She was doing this 2-3 meals a day.  I don't know how her stomach did not hurt all the time.  At first, we took the approach of her not feeling like we were restricting her access to food and letting her eat whatever she wanted.  But, as it became apparent after being home for a week that she was going to keep doing this, we talked to both our play therapist and a social worker from the agency.  Both suggested we control how much we make (such as 4 sandwiches for 4 people) and simply say, everyone is only having 1 sandwich.  However, if you are still hungry you can have...(for us it was: apple, carrots, or whatever fresh veggies we had on hand).  The first few times I implemented this approach, she went to KC and asked if she could have another sandwich since she did not like my answer.

Another problem we have is patience.  PB can be very demanding.  Very.very.very demanding.  When she wants something, she wants it N.O.W.  Case in point: she told me Monday night she wanted a haircut (aka take me to get a haircut right now).  I told her that we could not go Tuesday and I was not sure if we could on Wednesday (as I had 2 appointments--1 for her and 1 for JB).  I cannot even count the number of times she asked when she was getting her haircut today (Wednesday).  This week is the last week that KC is home on leave.  Consequently, we've scheduled a million appointments for this week.  So, Thursday we again have 2 appointments.  I keep telling her that maybe we can go in the morning, and she does not like the word "maybe".  She wants DEFINITE plans.  Well, my definite plans would be that she would have to wait until next week or she can have KC take her.  She's made it clear that she wants me to take her.  So, she must wait.  We had this same waiting problem when we were traveling as well.  I knew she'd be hungry on the plane, but she refused to eat before we got on the plane "because she was not hungry".  Just as I suspected, she turned to me an hour before landing saying "I'm hungry."  There was not one thing I could do...she just had to wait.  Let me again say...she HATES waiting. 

Overall, PB is doing well (especially considering we've had her less than a month and she's only been home 2 weeks).  We're adjusting to the changes.  We've had some rough patches...but we've had some fun, too.  She truly has joy and we'll be fine.  But some days...and at some points...

Introducing Peanut Butter

We got PB when she was over 13 yrs old.  She came to us in late April 2011 and has only been home for about a month.  PB is very outgoing.  Even while still in China, people always commented on her being extroverted and not being afraid to talk to people.  She is also very social.  She has a long list of friends that she regularly wants to communicate with that she knew (or knows) from the orphanage.  Some of these friends are still left at the orphanage while others have forever families.  She seems to have a soft heart for those that have some special needs.  She knows Chinese sign language because one of her friends at the orphanage used it to communicate.  She seems to have no fears at least socially.  She seems comfortable in any social situation--even when she does not know anyone at the beginning.  While in China, she was not afraid to order for us when we were in a restaurant that only spoke Chinese.  In fact, on one occasion, she had ordered a fish that was taking far too long to arrive.  We were both full with the other things that she had ordered, so she called the waitress over to see how much longer it would before the fish would be done.  I gathered it was going to be a while, so she told them not to bring it to us.  We paid for the other things we had gotten and were on our way.

She constantly impresses me with her social abilities.  Now, this boldness has a negative side.  At Jelly's 4th birthday party, PB decided that she did not like one of Jelly's friends.  She repeatedly (and loudly) told me that she did not like this little girl.  In fact, this little girl's mom is one of my very good friends.  She even said it loudly in front of the little girl and her mom.  When we got home, she continued to rehash how much she did not like this little girl.  KC told her the little girl was tired which made her behave that way.  He repeated it every time she commented on how she did not like this little girl.  Another case was when we went to the doctor.  The doctor spoke Chinese, but was Japanese.  I guess she asked the doctor if she was Chinese.  When she said Japanese, PB said "I no like Japanese." She then repeated it over and over (both in and out of the doctor's presence).  Clearly this is something we need to work on!