What does life look like now? Well, to be honest a bit like I would have expected much earlier. PB was very good at playing games for a very, very long time. Life began to "fall apart" at about 11 months. Then the "true" self REALLY came out. Acting can only last so long. Life's been busy attempting to decipher what's real and what's pretend in PB. Oh, and managing the drama surrounding the crack down on the pretending. So, lets talk about today.
Today we're attempting to help our now 15 yr old PB to mature and act like a 15 yr old. In most areas she acts like she's 9 or 10, but slips to 5 or 6 yrs old whenever she does not get her way. She stomps her foot, yells, throws fits, etc. She really struggles with wanting to be her age, but at the same time not really knowing how to act her age. She also really struggles with her sister. Jelly is kind. Jelly is the kid everyone who meets her loves. Seriously. I don't just say that b/c I'm her mom, everyone loves Jelly. PB is insanely jealous of Jelly. Not that everyone doesn't love PB, but PB is so jealous that Jelly's been home since she was 11 months and PB had to wait until she was about to age out. And in PB's mind she has to blame someone--and Jelly gets that blame. She can be downright sweet to Jelly and downright mean and UGLY to her. I mean to the point where I could literally smack her into next week its so bad. I don't believe in corporal punishment but sometimes PB sure makes me wish I did! And that's not been more true lately. O-M-G. I could knock her into next week without a doubt some days with her back talk. Yes, that's common for 15 yr olds. But, its not acceptable regardless of your age. For example, in the last 2 days, I've been snapped at for simply answering questions. And no, I don't think she's getting ready to start her cycle. But, again, regardless. She needs to get it together...tough for a girl that age, I know, especially one who is as emotional and acts without thought as PB does.
The lying is insane. That's really where it all came to a head 6 or so months ago. PB can lie without batting an eye. She's gone so far as to say she wants to be hooked up to a lie detector to prove she's telling the truth. Wow. She also says sometimes she's not sure what the truth or the lie is she lies so much. Now, again, is that a lie? Who knows. When you lie so much that you feel the need to prove you're telling the truth by requesting to be hooked up to a lie detector, you have a serious problem. Yes, part of it is cultural. I mean when you live an orphanage for 13 yrs (that's another post...as she didn't live in one the whole time...but in what sounds like a very neglectful, abusive foster family about 7 years) its survival of the fittest..and you learn to lie to get what you want or get others in trouble. You live to manipulate to schmooze the staff to get the goodies. You also learn to rule to gang (which PB did...stories have come out in bits in pieces over the past few months that have made it clear that she truly did rule the gang. We had already heard stories...but hearing her tell stories of how she beat kids up for "infractions", etc. Wow. Talk about take your breath away!) You learn all kinds of bad things that we get to help her undo or channel in positive ways (NOT an easy task, I must admit!).
A few days ago I posted something on faceb00k about how tough it is to parent a teen--especially without the preceding 13 year foundation--and a friend posted a very wise response. She said, one of the difficulties is that when you have a rough day, you cannot reflect on the sweet little baby they were because you never knew them as that. PB refuses to let us parent her at this point in time. We continue to "go around the same mountain"...she continues to make the same mistakes and get into the same "trouble" (as she calls it, which more often than not is MY fault not hers, of course)...and we will continue to do so until she gives up control. Until she follows house rules, which does not believe she should have to follow. Until she stops attempting to co-parent Jelly. Until she believes we truly do know what's best for her. Until she lets go. We frequently remind her of this...every time we hit the wall (which is nearly weekly at this point). She consistently tells us she wants to make changes, but we consistently find ourselves in the same place. Every week.
School wise PB is doing pretty well, although her grades are not very good. English wise she's doing well--but all depends on when she studies. We've moved into a bigger district with a better ESL program. Last year she figured out she could play the game and get by with it. I figured that out when she CHOSE to not get a yearbook and she missed the deadline. A few weeks later she went crying (literally!) into the yearbook teacher's office saying "she didn't understand and therefore she missed the deadline and wanted a yearbook"...and the dang teacher gave in. WHAT THE HECK!?!?! I was pissed as hell at both the teacher and her!!! She was QUITE proud of herself by the way that she had convinced the teacher that she was so heartbroken...she was smiling....and laughing about it. When I called her on it, she suddenly sobered up...said "no!"...but then admitted she pulled out the tears to get what she wanted. Oh, that did it for me! It's taken KC a little longer to come around...but he's around, let me tell you! The tears no longer work anymore...seriously. THEY NO LONGER WORK FOR ME. She can turn them on, but they do not invoke any sympathy from me at all. This year, however, I'm not sure what's going on. She's in high school now with a lot of other ESL students so the teachers are more experienced with having them in classes. The ESL teacher is more "with it" than last year. She spent a good portion of the beginning of year buttering up all the teachers...I KNEW what she was doing...trying to set the stage as such a great student, blah, blah, blah. But now the rubber's hitting the road...she's lazy. She only studies if one of us is sitting next to her..and we're hip to her game now. She wants us to do the work and she wants to ride the wave. Well, that's not flying anymore either. In fact, right now, she's "studying" (aka wasting time) in her room for a major test in biology tomorrow. Its been a 3 day weekend...we've suggested ways to study for the test...and she knows maybe 3 things for the test. Sigh. She's going to bomb the test, which is REALLY hard for me to sit by and watch. I WANT her to succeed, but she ONLY wants to do it her way or on her terms. And that's not going to work. So, the poor grades she's earned the first 6 weeks looks like she's starting the 2nd 6weeks the same. GRRR...
Relationships...are tough for her. She's so immature...and controlling. She wants to buy everyone's friendship. She wants to give them candy, food, things. Its tough to watch. She truly had no clue how to be a friend. Its also very interesting that her "best friend" has made comments to her mom that in China PB was a bully. They rarely talk anymore. In fact, PB commented she didn't care about seeing her this summer...then we moms said fine we're not going to bust our behinds to make it happen, then PB was pissed b/c she wasn't going to get to see her. Ah, consequences for choices. Boys--up to this point, she's expressed that American boys are bad. Well, until she came clean that she had a boyfriend in China...she says "just holding hands...no kissing." But, again, back to the lying thing, I'm not so sure. I don't think she's as innocent as the wind blown snow. There's a Russian boy at school that she's told KC how she's walking arm & arm with him...then she told me that he's whispering in her ear, etc. We told her what that means in America, etc. She's adamant nothing happens, yet she wants to stay after school everyday for tutoring. It helps me in that Jelly has a hard time on the days I have to get PB from school. And her staying late means KC can pick her up. But, it makes us wonder if she's messing around with this boy. She makes a certain face when she's telling stories...and she uses phrases like "Really I'm telling the truth, promise" or "You can ask my teacher" and really tries to reassure us over and over that she's telling the truth when in fact she's lying. That much I've figured out over the past few months. She also smiles a shit-eating grin like she's really excited about this boy...and what has/could happen. I'm so afraid that she's going to have to learn the hard way in this situation (like she does in most situations). When talking to her about it, I've emphasized over and over that its her choice but that dad & I only want her to be safe. However, its her choice. I've told her about friends I've known over the years who've experienced rape by their boyfriends. But, of course, she knows best.
Some days I feel like I'm in a movie. It can't be my life.
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