What does life look like now? Well, to be honest a bit like I would have expected much earlier. PB was very good at playing games for a very, very long time. Life began to "fall apart" at about 11 months. Then the "true" self REALLY came out. Acting can only last so long. Life's been busy attempting to decipher what's real and what's pretend in PB. Oh, and managing the drama surrounding the crack down on the pretending. So, lets talk about today.
Today we're attempting to help our now 15 yr old PB to mature and act like a 15 yr old. In most areas she acts like she's 9 or 10, but slips to 5 or 6 yrs old whenever she does not get her way. She stomps her foot, yells, throws fits, etc. She really struggles with wanting to be her age, but at the same time not really knowing how to act her age. She also really struggles with her sister. Jelly is kind. Jelly is the kid everyone who meets her loves. Seriously. I don't just say that b/c I'm her mom, everyone loves Jelly. PB is insanely jealous of Jelly. Not that everyone doesn't love PB, but PB is so jealous that Jelly's been home since she was 11 months and PB had to wait until she was about to age out. And in PB's mind she has to blame someone--and Jelly gets that blame. She can be downright sweet to Jelly and downright mean and UGLY to her. I mean to the point where I could literally smack her into next week its so bad. I don't believe in corporal punishment but sometimes PB sure makes me wish I did! And that's not been more true lately. O-M-G. I could knock her into next week without a doubt some days with her back talk. Yes, that's common for 15 yr olds. But, its not acceptable regardless of your age. For example, in the last 2 days, I've been snapped at for simply answering questions. And no, I don't think she's getting ready to start her cycle. But, again, regardless. She needs to get it together...tough for a girl that age, I know, especially one who is as emotional and acts without thought as PB does.
The lying is insane. That's really where it all came to a head 6 or so months ago. PB can lie without batting an eye. She's gone so far as to say she wants to be hooked up to a lie detector to prove she's telling the truth. Wow. She also says sometimes she's not sure what the truth or the lie is she lies so much. Now, again, is that a lie? Who knows. When you lie so much that you feel the need to prove you're telling the truth by requesting to be hooked up to a lie detector, you have a serious problem. Yes, part of it is cultural. I mean when you live an orphanage for 13 yrs (that's another post...as she didn't live in one the whole time...but in what sounds like a very neglectful, abusive foster family about 7 years) its survival of the fittest..and you learn to lie to get what you want or get others in trouble. You live to manipulate to schmooze the staff to get the goodies. You also learn to rule to gang (which PB did...stories have come out in bits in pieces over the past few months that have made it clear that she truly did rule the gang. We had already heard stories...but hearing her tell stories of how she beat kids up for "infractions", etc. Wow. Talk about take your breath away!) You learn all kinds of bad things that we get to help her undo or channel in positive ways (NOT an easy task, I must admit!).
A few days ago I posted something on faceb00k about how tough it is to parent a teen--especially without the preceding 13 year foundation--and a friend posted a very wise response. She said, one of the difficulties is that when you have a rough day, you cannot reflect on the sweet little baby they were because you never knew them as that. PB refuses to let us parent her at this point in time. We continue to "go around the same mountain"...she continues to make the same mistakes and get into the same "trouble" (as she calls it, which more often than not is MY fault not hers, of course)...and we will continue to do so until she gives up control. Until she follows house rules, which does not believe she should have to follow. Until she stops attempting to co-parent Jelly. Until she believes we truly do know what's best for her. Until she lets go. We frequently remind her of this...every time we hit the wall (which is nearly weekly at this point). She consistently tells us she wants to make changes, but we consistently find ourselves in the same place. Every week.
School wise PB is doing pretty well, although her grades are not very good. English wise she's doing well--but all depends on when she studies. We've moved into a bigger district with a better ESL program. Last year she figured out she could play the game and get by with it. I figured that out when she CHOSE to not get a yearbook and she missed the deadline. A few weeks later she went crying (literally!) into the yearbook teacher's office saying "she didn't understand and therefore she missed the deadline and wanted a yearbook"...and the dang teacher gave in. WHAT THE HECK!?!?! I was pissed as hell at both the teacher and her!!! She was QUITE proud of herself by the way that she had convinced the teacher that she was so heartbroken...she was smiling....and laughing about it. When I called her on it, she suddenly sobered up...said "no!"...but then admitted she pulled out the tears to get what she wanted. Oh, that did it for me! It's taken KC a little longer to come around...but he's around, let me tell you! The tears no longer work anymore...seriously. THEY NO LONGER WORK FOR ME. She can turn them on, but they do not invoke any sympathy from me at all. This year, however, I'm not sure what's going on. She's in high school now with a lot of other ESL students so the teachers are more experienced with having them in classes. The ESL teacher is more "with it" than last year. She spent a good portion of the beginning of year buttering up all the teachers...I KNEW what she was doing...trying to set the stage as such a great student, blah, blah, blah. But now the rubber's hitting the road...she's lazy. She only studies if one of us is sitting next to her..and we're hip to her game now. She wants us to do the work and she wants to ride the wave. Well, that's not flying anymore either. In fact, right now, she's "studying" (aka wasting time) in her room for a major test in biology tomorrow. Its been a 3 day weekend...we've suggested ways to study for the test...and she knows maybe 3 things for the test. Sigh. She's going to bomb the test, which is REALLY hard for me to sit by and watch. I WANT her to succeed, but she ONLY wants to do it her way or on her terms. And that's not going to work. So, the poor grades she's earned the first 6 weeks looks like she's starting the 2nd 6weeks the same. GRRR...
Relationships...are tough for her. She's so immature...and controlling. She wants to buy everyone's friendship. She wants to give them candy, food, things. Its tough to watch. She truly had no clue how to be a friend. Its also very interesting that her "best friend" has made comments to her mom that in China PB was a bully. They rarely talk anymore. In fact, PB commented she didn't care about seeing her this summer...then we moms said fine we're not going to bust our behinds to make it happen, then PB was pissed b/c she wasn't going to get to see her. Ah, consequences for choices. Boys--up to this point, she's expressed that American boys are bad. Well, until she came clean that she had a boyfriend in China...she says "just holding hands...no kissing." But, again, back to the lying thing, I'm not so sure. I don't think she's as innocent as the wind blown snow. There's a Russian boy at school that she's told KC how she's walking arm & arm with him...then she told me that he's whispering in her ear, etc. We told her what that means in America, etc. She's adamant nothing happens, yet she wants to stay after school everyday for tutoring. It helps me in that Jelly has a hard time on the days I have to get PB from school. And her staying late means KC can pick her up. But, it makes us wonder if she's messing around with this boy. She makes a certain face when she's telling stories...and she uses phrases like "Really I'm telling the truth, promise" or "You can ask my teacher" and really tries to reassure us over and over that she's telling the truth when in fact she's lying. That much I've figured out over the past few months. She also smiles a shit-eating grin like she's really excited about this boy...and what has/could happen. I'm so afraid that she's going to have to learn the hard way in this situation (like she does in most situations). When talking to her about it, I've emphasized over and over that its her choice but that dad & I only want her to be safe. However, its her choice. I've told her about friends I've known over the years who've experienced rape by their boyfriends. But, of course, she knows best.
Some days I feel like I'm in a movie. It can't be my life.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Friday, July 29, 2011
Life at 3 months
We mark the point within the past few days that we've been home 3 months (well, we've had PB for 3 months). My, how things have changed!
PB is definitely outspoken. She seems to have no fear sharing much of how she feels. Or maybe I should say she has no fear sharing what she believes will create the biggest impact. For example, today we had her adoption recognition cermony. In the US, it is advisable that you re-adopt or at minimum have your international adoption recognized as not all states give the same rights and priviledges to internationally adopted children as they do to domestically adopted or biological children. I tried to explain what it was, the importance of it, the significance of it, etc. She seemed unimpressed at best. We gave her a special necklace, but she simply put it away (even though we repeatedly told her it was to mark today's special day) and wore another one. We had several friends there in attendance to celebrate the occasion, but she still seemed unimpressed. We get home and begins the horrible attitude. The.entire.day.she.was.in.a.mood.
When PB is in a mood, she tries everything in her "power" to push buttons. It almost ALWAYS revolves around Jelly. Occasionally its me, but almost always its Jelly. Thankfully Jelly is so gosh darn sweet and caring, and yet so clueless that she doesn't seem to mind. She always seems more concerned about making sure PB is okay than anything. I hope Jelly doesn't remember the way PB acts at this time period, but on the other hand, I hope she does so that in the future she and PB can talk about it (when PB gets it together a bit more). What does she "do" to Jelly? Well, she's either trying to get her in trouble (which she's done since the beginning, and only now does on occasion), but honestly now we've moved to the point where she now says "she is NOT my sister" or "my sister no good" or "my family good..mom, dad, me. good. sister, no good." Drives me up the bloomin' wall. But today I had a revelation. Today was the first time she said "she is NOT my sister. I have sisters in China, but she is NOT my sister." I got firm and said we do not talk like that in this house, she IS your sister whether you like it or not. Then I simply walked away. The crazy thing is that Jelly has bad days (especially when she's tired & hungry), but Jelly was NOT even being bad or crazy or rude...she was minding her own business! It came out of nowhere. PB later brought it again, said something about "forgiving my sister"...to which I said, what did she do? (I made her realize she was meaning to say sorry.) but then it happened several times over the afternoon. It was then I came to the realization that its about attention. Its about feeling as though she's not getting attention at that moment and she wants a reaction so she says it. You know, negative attention is better than no attention. Not that she's not getting attention, but she wasn't AT THAT MOMENT because heaven forbid, I actually have housework, school work, cooking, laundry, and various other business to conduct. I wasn't giving EITHER girl attention at that exact moment in time. So as the afternoon wore on, every time she made that I comment, I simply said, I'm sorry to hear that, but she is your sister and you have no choice in that matter.
Overall, PB is adjusting well. She did tell the translator at the medical clinic this week that she wants to get out on her own here (um, yeah this is NOT the orphanage grounds which are fenced in, but I understand you didn't realize the orphanage did not feel like it was fenced in and that you have no fear!). And she has no friends here while she had tons of friends in China (um, you lived there for 13 YEARS and here for 3 MONTHS, lets put some perspective into this here!). She is learning the language well, obviously we have a long way to go, but overall she is making great progress. She has an interest in learning now that we've had a conversation about how hard school is going to be and how she is so far behind. We have started giving her an allowance, which has been interesting because she spends it the MINUTE she gets/finds a penny and she spends every penny. If we go somewhere and she finds something she wants to buy, wait, let me rephrase that, she tends to find things EVERYWHERE we go that she wants to buy with the same small amount of money she has! I think the $5 she had she had spent on 10 different things. I think we will be having a conversation about requiring to save a portion of her money the mext time she gets moneybecause she needs to learn this valuable lesson.
PB is definitely outspoken. She seems to have no fear sharing much of how she feels. Or maybe I should say she has no fear sharing what she believes will create the biggest impact. For example, today we had her adoption recognition cermony. In the US, it is advisable that you re-adopt or at minimum have your international adoption recognized as not all states give the same rights and priviledges to internationally adopted children as they do to domestically adopted or biological children. I tried to explain what it was, the importance of it, the significance of it, etc. She seemed unimpressed at best. We gave her a special necklace, but she simply put it away (even though we repeatedly told her it was to mark today's special day) and wore another one. We had several friends there in attendance to celebrate the occasion, but she still seemed unimpressed. We get home and begins the horrible attitude. The.entire.day.she.was.in.a.mood.
When PB is in a mood, she tries everything in her "power" to push buttons. It almost ALWAYS revolves around Jelly. Occasionally its me, but almost always its Jelly. Thankfully Jelly is so gosh darn sweet and caring, and yet so clueless that she doesn't seem to mind. She always seems more concerned about making sure PB is okay than anything. I hope Jelly doesn't remember the way PB acts at this time period, but on the other hand, I hope she does so that in the future she and PB can talk about it (when PB gets it together a bit more). What does she "do" to Jelly? Well, she's either trying to get her in trouble (which she's done since the beginning, and only now does on occasion), but honestly now we've moved to the point where she now says "she is NOT my sister" or "my sister no good" or "my family good..mom, dad, me. good. sister, no good." Drives me up the bloomin' wall. But today I had a revelation. Today was the first time she said "she is NOT my sister. I have sisters in China, but she is NOT my sister." I got firm and said we do not talk like that in this house, she IS your sister whether you like it or not. Then I simply walked away. The crazy thing is that Jelly has bad days (especially when she's tired & hungry), but Jelly was NOT even being bad or crazy or rude...she was minding her own business! It came out of nowhere. PB later brought it again, said something about "forgiving my sister"...to which I said, what did she do? (I made her realize she was meaning to say sorry.) but then it happened several times over the afternoon. It was then I came to the realization that its about attention. Its about feeling as though she's not getting attention at that moment and she wants a reaction so she says it. You know, negative attention is better than no attention. Not that she's not getting attention, but she wasn't AT THAT MOMENT because heaven forbid, I actually have housework, school work, cooking, laundry, and various other business to conduct. I wasn't giving EITHER girl attention at that exact moment in time. So as the afternoon wore on, every time she made that I comment, I simply said, I'm sorry to hear that, but she is your sister and you have no choice in that matter.
Overall, PB is adjusting well. She did tell the translator at the medical clinic this week that she wants to get out on her own here (um, yeah this is NOT the orphanage grounds which are fenced in, but I understand you didn't realize the orphanage did not feel like it was fenced in and that you have no fear!). And she has no friends here while she had tons of friends in China (um, you lived there for 13 YEARS and here for 3 MONTHS, lets put some perspective into this here!). She is learning the language well, obviously we have a long way to go, but overall she is making great progress. She has an interest in learning now that we've had a conversation about how hard school is going to be and how she is so far behind. We have started giving her an allowance, which has been interesting because she spends it the MINUTE she gets/finds a penny and she spends every penny. If we go somewhere and she finds something she wants to buy, wait, let me rephrase that, she tends to find things EVERYWHERE we go that she wants to buy with the same small amount of money she has! I think the $5 she had she had spent on 10 different things. I think we will be having a conversation about requiring to save a portion of her money the mext time she gets moneybecause she needs to learn this valuable lesson.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Play therapy
Jelly's play therapist is amazing! We really, really love her. She's been a life saver for us since our social workers and case managers suck. Seriously. S-U-C-K. bad. While Jelly was at her session this week, PB & I were working on other things. This particular time she said she wanted to bring her art with her to work on while Jelly was playing. I was working on some other stuff, and didn't really notice what she was doing. I got done before she did, and looked at this picture she was drawing. I knew immediately that it was her drawing of our family, but I asked her what was on her picture. She said it was our family. I asked her who the different people were...KC, Jelly, me with her laying under us. I asked her why she was down there, and she said because she taking the picture and had to get in quickly. So, I asked her to show the play therapist the beautiful picture she had drawn.
At first, she was kind of shy about it, but as she continued to receive assurance that everything was good (and it is! She's an amazing artist!), she proudly showed the pictures. The play therapist noticed a few things about the picture (besides the obvious that she does not feel like she fits into our family). She noticed the eyes for me and PB were both open...that she longed for my approval and to become more connected to me. How interesting. That's one of the things I struggle with the most. Not that I don't accept her or don't want to be connected with her, but some days I have to work VERY HARD to feel that way. In fact, some days I have to preach to myself (as our pastor calls it). I have to give myself a good talking to, that yes, I do love her...yes, I do want her to be my daughter...yes, she is a gift...yes, she is amazing...yes, she is God's gift to us...no, I did not ruin my family...yes, she is struggling to find her place...yes, I want to spend time with her...etc. Some days its really hard...but I've come to realize that I truly love her...that I want her to feel the love and acceptance of a mom like she's never had before. But, some days when she's pushed all my buttons..and Jelly's been mistreated (unnecessarily and unfairly), it is VERY hard. I do love her...I am glad she's my daughter...I am blessed. (repeat)
At first, she was kind of shy about it, but as she continued to receive assurance that everything was good (and it is! She's an amazing artist!), she proudly showed the pictures. The play therapist noticed a few things about the picture (besides the obvious that she does not feel like she fits into our family). She noticed the eyes for me and PB were both open...that she longed for my approval and to become more connected to me. How interesting. That's one of the things I struggle with the most. Not that I don't accept her or don't want to be connected with her, but some days I have to work VERY HARD to feel that way. In fact, some days I have to preach to myself (as our pastor calls it). I have to give myself a good talking to, that yes, I do love her...yes, I do want her to be my daughter...yes, she is a gift...yes, she is amazing...yes, she is God's gift to us...no, I did not ruin my family...yes, she is struggling to find her place...yes, I want to spend time with her...etc. Some days its really hard...but I've come to realize that I truly love her...that I want her to feel the love and acceptance of a mom like she's never had before. But, some days when she's pushed all my buttons..and Jelly's been mistreated (unnecessarily and unfairly), it is VERY hard. I do love her...I am glad she's my daughter...I am blessed. (repeat)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
New Olympic Sport
I swear to you if pouting was an Olympic sport, PB would get a gold metal today. I'm sure hormones are contributing to this particular trait this morning. However, its been two days without KC who's out of town on a work trip. She's been a mood since right before he left. Let me back up a bit...
I think it all started on Friday night when she called her friends that are still at the orphanage. We had to try for a good 30 minutes before we were able to get a hold of them. She talked to several of them during that call. She talked for about 90 or so minutes (thank goodness skype is only 2.3 cents a minute!). She was very excited about the call...and was literally jumping around the house she was so excited. She really enjoyed talking with them since she hadn't since we got home from China. She has such a difficult time understanding the 13 hour time difference. I cannot tell you how many times I have explained to her, she still seems to forget. (Another one of those moments I have to remember she's really only 7 or 8.) At any rate, she was very happy. I'm quite sure it was very late before she was finally able to fall asleep.
Saturday seemed fine. Sunday, however, was a tough day at our house. Jelly seemed to be in a mood and was behaving badly (hitting, spitting, screaming, etc.). But she was behaving that way to everyone...it was not aimed at just one person. So, after Jelly went to bed, PB started a conversation (via translator) about how her sister was a horrible child. It then moved to Google translate...where she further told me she did not like her sister because she was "not good". The bottom line was that she did not feel that we were addressing the poor behavior Jelly was expressing. She was concerned that Jelly would be even more mean and naughty when she got older. PB felt that her friends' sisters were all very good, but her sister was not. I tried to explain to her that I guaranteed that her friends had moments when everything was not rosie. She disagreed. Then the tears came. The sadness in her eyes...it made me want to embrace her to provide comfort (she wanted nothing to do with the embrace). I suggested we call one of her friends, M, who's been home since September and has a younger sister. At first, she didn't want to. But, an hour later, she said yes she did want to call her.
So, after an hour of us talking about the same things (us saying, the girl is FOUR YEARS old...sometimes they misbehave. That's what 4 yr olds do). She called M. M's mom and I have chatted on numerous occasions. They cried together on skype. M's mom tried to help M explain to PB how difficult it was when she first came home. How her sister had trouble sharing her mom & dad as well. That this is all new for Jelly, too. We ended up on the phone for 2 hours. Poor KC had to get up ridiculously early to catch his early flight. He wanted to go to bed early, but this conversation started at 7:30pm, and he stuck it out until the end. PB would ask M to tell us something. One thing she said was that the way Jelly acted was like a stick going into her heart. (A little dramatic, I would say.) At any rate, I knew the entire discussion and pain she felt had very little to do with Jelly and everything to do with PB's realization that the vacation was over. Her friends were still at the orphanage (although one is meeting her forever family in a few days). She knew her safe place at the orphanage. She knew her place at the orphanage. She could stay away from people she didn't care for (when she didn't care for them) at the orphanage. But here, this is forever. She hasn't found her "safe place" when she was sad or hurt or frustrated. She realizes that she's not going back. I think that is exciting on one hand and on the other hand she wants what she is familiar with. I can appreciate that.
At the end of the entire thing, she said she could forgive her sister for not being kind (she is FOUR after all!) like it never happened. Yesterday she woke up still a bit mopey. We went to the zoo with some friends. I thought she'd enjoy it...she loves animals and she loves zoos. She did not like it. When I asked her why, she said because there was no peacock. Seriously??? You mean being literally within arms reach of giraffes (another favorite animal) wasn't good? I said, well, that's too bad, as I'm sure we'll be here several more times in the future (we have a membership). As I was discussing it with KC last night, I realized the reason she probably did not like it was because in China the animals are in cages with cement floors and bars. In fact, I would venture to guess the cages for a tiger is smaller than my 17'x18' living room. Our zoo has more natural habitat areas. The elephants, giraffes, zebras and gazelles have over 5 acres to roam on. They have several areas where you can see them, but they are not RIGHT IN YOUR face like in China. The tiger's habitat is probable an acre, so you don't always get to see them. These are the kinds of zoos she's familiar with. So from that perspective, I can see how she wouldn't like it. She liked the cheetah area because they were pacing right up by the window. But she was all mopey at the zoo, too...so I don't know what her deal was. She did eventually get over it and was better toward the end.
When we got back, all of us were tired. Jelly got up before 5am and I hadn't gotten into bed until after 11pm. I had slept horrible, too. So, we all took a nap. Then she woke up and just complained about how cold she was. I suggested she go outside (it was over 100* out) to warm up. She didn't want to do that. She just wanted to grumble about being cold. I suggested she get the mail. She didn't want to do that either. So, Jelly & I walked down there...and was mad about that, but she eventually got over it (I guess).
Today she didn't want to go for a short walk (normally she loves to go for walks). So, Jelly & I just went around the neighborhood. I mean, really. I guess I need to get used to having the teen girl in my house...and they tend to pout and mope around. I just have so little patience for that type of behavior regardless of who has it!
I think it all started on Friday night when she called her friends that are still at the orphanage. We had to try for a good 30 minutes before we were able to get a hold of them. She talked to several of them during that call. She talked for about 90 or so minutes (thank goodness skype is only 2.3 cents a minute!). She was very excited about the call...and was literally jumping around the house she was so excited. She really enjoyed talking with them since she hadn't since we got home from China. She has such a difficult time understanding the 13 hour time difference. I cannot tell you how many times I have explained to her, she still seems to forget. (Another one of those moments I have to remember she's really only 7 or 8.) At any rate, she was very happy. I'm quite sure it was very late before she was finally able to fall asleep.
Saturday seemed fine. Sunday, however, was a tough day at our house. Jelly seemed to be in a mood and was behaving badly (hitting, spitting, screaming, etc.). But she was behaving that way to everyone...it was not aimed at just one person. So, after Jelly went to bed, PB started a conversation (via translator) about how her sister was a horrible child. It then moved to Google translate...where she further told me she did not like her sister because she was "not good". The bottom line was that she did not feel that we were addressing the poor behavior Jelly was expressing. She was concerned that Jelly would be even more mean and naughty when she got older. PB felt that her friends' sisters were all very good, but her sister was not. I tried to explain to her that I guaranteed that her friends had moments when everything was not rosie. She disagreed. Then the tears came. The sadness in her eyes...it made me want to embrace her to provide comfort (she wanted nothing to do with the embrace). I suggested we call one of her friends, M, who's been home since September and has a younger sister. At first, she didn't want to. But, an hour later, she said yes she did want to call her.
So, after an hour of us talking about the same things (us saying, the girl is FOUR YEARS old...sometimes they misbehave. That's what 4 yr olds do). She called M. M's mom and I have chatted on numerous occasions. They cried together on skype. M's mom tried to help M explain to PB how difficult it was when she first came home. How her sister had trouble sharing her mom & dad as well. That this is all new for Jelly, too. We ended up on the phone for 2 hours. Poor KC had to get up ridiculously early to catch his early flight. He wanted to go to bed early, but this conversation started at 7:30pm, and he stuck it out until the end. PB would ask M to tell us something. One thing she said was that the way Jelly acted was like a stick going into her heart. (A little dramatic, I would say.) At any rate, I knew the entire discussion and pain she felt had very little to do with Jelly and everything to do with PB's realization that the vacation was over. Her friends were still at the orphanage (although one is meeting her forever family in a few days). She knew her safe place at the orphanage. She knew her place at the orphanage. She could stay away from people she didn't care for (when she didn't care for them) at the orphanage. But here, this is forever. She hasn't found her "safe place" when she was sad or hurt or frustrated. She realizes that she's not going back. I think that is exciting on one hand and on the other hand she wants what she is familiar with. I can appreciate that.
At the end of the entire thing, she said she could forgive her sister for not being kind (she is FOUR after all!) like it never happened. Yesterday she woke up still a bit mopey. We went to the zoo with some friends. I thought she'd enjoy it...she loves animals and she loves zoos. She did not like it. When I asked her why, she said because there was no peacock. Seriously??? You mean being literally within arms reach of giraffes (another favorite animal) wasn't good? I said, well, that's too bad, as I'm sure we'll be here several more times in the future (we have a membership). As I was discussing it with KC last night, I realized the reason she probably did not like it was because in China the animals are in cages with cement floors and bars. In fact, I would venture to guess the cages for a tiger is smaller than my 17'x18' living room. Our zoo has more natural habitat areas. The elephants, giraffes, zebras and gazelles have over 5 acres to roam on. They have several areas where you can see them, but they are not RIGHT IN YOUR face like in China. The tiger's habitat is probable an acre, so you don't always get to see them. These are the kinds of zoos she's familiar with. So from that perspective, I can see how she wouldn't like it. She liked the cheetah area because they were pacing right up by the window. But she was all mopey at the zoo, too...so I don't know what her deal was. She did eventually get over it and was better toward the end.
When we got back, all of us were tired. Jelly got up before 5am and I hadn't gotten into bed until after 11pm. I had slept horrible, too. So, we all took a nap. Then she woke up and just complained about how cold she was. I suggested she go outside (it was over 100* out) to warm up. She didn't want to do that. She just wanted to grumble about being cold. I suggested she get the mail. She didn't want to do that either. So, Jelly & I walked down there...and was mad about that, but she eventually got over it (I guess).
Today she didn't want to go for a short walk (normally she loves to go for walks). So, Jelly & I just went around the neighborhood. I mean, really. I guess I need to get used to having the teen girl in my house...and they tend to pout and mope around. I just have so little patience for that type of behavior regardless of who has it!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Grieving: Me not Her
One thing that has taken me by surprise on this journey has been my grief. I'm not grieving over the life we've lost. Not at all. I'm grieving over the time we missed. I look at Jelly and I am overwhelmed with how blessed we are to be her parents. Don't get me wrong, I feel the same about PB, but I grieve that PB wasn't with us when she was 4. Yes, we did miss the first 10 months of Jelly's life. And I had to grieve over that, too. But I missed the past 13 YEARS of PB life. I wasn't there to comfort her when she had the stomach bug. I missed tending to her when she got the chicken pox. I'm sad I wasn't there when she was so sick for two MONTHS that the teachers told her she was lucky to survive. Yes, she was that sick. She did not know what was wrong, but she was in isolation. In fact, there was only one girl who was willing to play with her as she wasn't afraid to get whatever PB had. Boy, that breaks my heart. I stare at Jelly's face while she sleeps peacefully in my arms, and I grieve over not having had that pleasure with PB. My heart overflows with love for Jelly. I love PB. I really, truly do. I'm completely overwhelmed at what God has done in her life without us. I'm overwhelmed that WE get to be her forever family. God has blessed me SO MUCH with two amazing girls. And my love for PB continues to grow. My favorite part of the day is bedtime. Not just because I finally get to fall into bed (and maybe KC & I have some time to talk about day/week/future), but because I get to hug PB and kiss her on the head. I can sometimes squeeze in a hug here or there, but I ALWAYS get one at bedtime. In fact, the other day I had to run some errands after dinner, and I was honestly sad that I was going to miss giving her my nighttime hug/kisses. I hoped she would still be up when I got home, but she had gone to bed (she often goes to bed very early if its just KC at home).
We've made such progress in the six weeks we've been a family of 4. And I look forward to what the future holds for her. For us. I do get tired of the complaining how hot it is...after all it is summer. But, that's probably the typical 13 year old behavior. I'm so glad that God brought PB to us.
We've made such progress in the six weeks we've been a family of 4. And I look forward to what the future holds for her. For us. I do get tired of the complaining how hot it is...after all it is summer. But, that's probably the typical 13 year old behavior. I'm so glad that God brought PB to us.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The state of attachment
Overall, things are going really well. PB is spending more time out with the family. She's reaching out to KC by trying to teach him Chinese. He's enjoying the kidding with her, but then there are times she wants to do it when he's just exhausted. She's doing better about sleeping until a semi-normal time (contrary to Jelly who wakes up before the sun!), but if she hears us at all, she will get up. She does not like to go to bed early, but KC & I do b/c KC works early and Jelly wakes up so cotton pickin' early. Besides, we need some time for each other. I've told her this week that we are heading to bed around 8:30ish and if she is not tired, then she can read before she goes to sleep. That has seemed to work, and she doesn't make quite the groan as she used to.
We've been working on English and math. Considering she's only been with us about 6 weeks, she does pretty good with English. Since I am not a teacher (well, not for kids anyways!), I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants. I have a phonics/writing book that I got for Jelly a LONG time ago. I sort of forgot I had it, and in many ways she's past it, so I pulled it out for PB. We don't use the book as it is intended, but use it as an opportunity to spell the word for each picture as well as color, etc. Its providing us lots of great opportunities to help her pronounce the words/letters, etc. She really likes to work. I also found a great website for working on math. You can find it HERE. You can play math games, print worksheets, complete quizzes online, etc. Great website!
At the recommendation of the play therapist, I've gotten several family fun activities to try. Some of them require way too many materials, but there are several that are just plain fun/good. I'm still going through them and hope to have some we can try in the next few days while we're at home as well as this weekend to do as a family. KC went back to work this week...and has had to work late every night this week (except Friday). Not exactly an ideal way to "transition" into him going back to work (for any of us!). Oh well. Can't do much about it.
We've been working on English and math. Considering she's only been with us about 6 weeks, she does pretty good with English. Since I am not a teacher (well, not for kids anyways!), I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants. I have a phonics/writing book that I got for Jelly a LONG time ago. I sort of forgot I had it, and in many ways she's past it, so I pulled it out for PB. We don't use the book as it is intended, but use it as an opportunity to spell the word for each picture as well as color, etc. Its providing us lots of great opportunities to help her pronounce the words/letters, etc. She really likes to work. I also found a great website for working on math. You can find it HERE. You can play math games, print worksheets, complete quizzes online, etc. Great website!
At the recommendation of the play therapist, I've gotten several family fun activities to try. Some of them require way too many materials, but there are several that are just plain fun/good. I'm still going through them and hope to have some we can try in the next few days while we're at home as well as this weekend to do as a family. KC went back to work this week...and has had to work late every night this week (except Friday). Not exactly an ideal way to "transition" into him going back to work (for any of us!). Oh well. Can't do much about it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Struggles Round 1
I would be lying if I said that I was completely enamored by PB. I realize she's only been in our family for 4 weeks, but there are times I really do not like her. Don't get me wrong, she is amazing. And I would not blame these times I am not enamored by her on her, but take complete responsibility for the fact that I need to focus on getting to know her more and embrace OUR new family. Overall, she is a great fit for our family. She loves Jelly very, very much (and tells anyone who asks her--in English or Chinese). Jelly really, really loves PB as well. She certainly complements are family quite well. But there are times that I think, why did we change what we had? Life with Jelly was plenty. PB is a negotiator (in fact, she should consider studying law!). And its constant negotiation. Constant. It could be bedtime, how long she talks to her friends, when she takes a shower, what she can eat (and how much!) or any other host of possibilities. It becomes exhausting at times.
One area that we started working on over the past few days is food. I don't recall it being much of an issue in China, but once we got home she began overeating. I'm not just talking about occasionally binging on a food. I mean eating 2 whole sandwiches (complete with 4 pieces of bread, turkey, cheese and peanut butter) in addition to rice or noodles or whatever we are having. The girl is not THAT big. Seriously. There is no way that she can eat 2 grill cheese sandwiches, a ton of watermelon, some strawberries and juice for one meal. She was doing this 2-3 meals a day. I don't know how her stomach did not hurt all the time. At first, we took the approach of her not feeling like we were restricting her access to food and letting her eat whatever she wanted. But, as it became apparent after being home for a week that she was going to keep doing this, we talked to both our play therapist and a social worker from the agency. Both suggested we control how much we make (such as 4 sandwiches for 4 people) and simply say, everyone is only having 1 sandwich. However, if you are still hungry you can have...(for us it was: apple, carrots, or whatever fresh veggies we had on hand). The first few times I implemented this approach, she went to KC and asked if she could have another sandwich since she did not like my answer.
Another problem we have is patience. PB can be very demanding. Very.very.very demanding. When she wants something, she wants it N.O.W. Case in point: she told me Monday night she wanted a haircut (aka take me to get a haircut right now). I told her that we could not go Tuesday and I was not sure if we could on Wednesday (as I had 2 appointments--1 for her and 1 for JB). I cannot even count the number of times she asked when she was getting her haircut today (Wednesday). This week is the last week that KC is home on leave. Consequently, we've scheduled a million appointments for this week. So, Thursday we again have 2 appointments. I keep telling her that maybe we can go in the morning, and she does not like the word "maybe". She wants DEFINITE plans. Well, my definite plans would be that she would have to wait until next week or she can have KC take her. She's made it clear that she wants me to take her. So, she must wait. We had this same waiting problem when we were traveling as well. I knew she'd be hungry on the plane, but she refused to eat before we got on the plane "because she was not hungry". Just as I suspected, she turned to me an hour before landing saying "I'm hungry." There was not one thing I could do...she just had to wait. Let me again say...she HATES waiting.
Overall, PB is doing well (especially considering we've had her less than a month and she's only been home 2 weeks). We're adjusting to the changes. We've had some rough patches...but we've had some fun, too. She truly has joy and we'll be fine. But some days...and at some points...
One area that we started working on over the past few days is food. I don't recall it being much of an issue in China, but once we got home she began overeating. I'm not just talking about occasionally binging on a food. I mean eating 2 whole sandwiches (complete with 4 pieces of bread, turkey, cheese and peanut butter) in addition to rice or noodles or whatever we are having. The girl is not THAT big. Seriously. There is no way that she can eat 2 grill cheese sandwiches, a ton of watermelon, some strawberries and juice for one meal. She was doing this 2-3 meals a day. I don't know how her stomach did not hurt all the time. At first, we took the approach of her not feeling like we were restricting her access to food and letting her eat whatever she wanted. But, as it became apparent after being home for a week that she was going to keep doing this, we talked to both our play therapist and a social worker from the agency. Both suggested we control how much we make (such as 4 sandwiches for 4 people) and simply say, everyone is only having 1 sandwich. However, if you are still hungry you can have...(for us it was: apple, carrots, or whatever fresh veggies we had on hand). The first few times I implemented this approach, she went to KC and asked if she could have another sandwich since she did not like my answer.
Another problem we have is patience. PB can be very demanding. Very.very.very demanding. When she wants something, she wants it N.O.W. Case in point: she told me Monday night she wanted a haircut (aka take me to get a haircut right now). I told her that we could not go Tuesday and I was not sure if we could on Wednesday (as I had 2 appointments--1 for her and 1 for JB). I cannot even count the number of times she asked when she was getting her haircut today (Wednesday). This week is the last week that KC is home on leave. Consequently, we've scheduled a million appointments for this week. So, Thursday we again have 2 appointments. I keep telling her that maybe we can go in the morning, and she does not like the word "maybe". She wants DEFINITE plans. Well, my definite plans would be that she would have to wait until next week or she can have KC take her. She's made it clear that she wants me to take her. So, she must wait. We had this same waiting problem when we were traveling as well. I knew she'd be hungry on the plane, but she refused to eat before we got on the plane "because she was not hungry". Just as I suspected, she turned to me an hour before landing saying "I'm hungry." There was not one thing I could do...she just had to wait. Let me again say...she HATES waiting.
Overall, PB is doing well (especially considering we've had her less than a month and she's only been home 2 weeks). We're adjusting to the changes. We've had some rough patches...but we've had some fun, too. She truly has joy and we'll be fine. But some days...and at some points...
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