We mark the point within the past few days that we've been home 3 months (well, we've had PB for 3 months). My, how things have changed!
PB is definitely outspoken. She seems to have no fear sharing much of how she feels. Or maybe I should say she has no fear sharing what she believes will create the biggest impact. For example, today we had her adoption recognition cermony. In the US, it is advisable that you re-adopt or at minimum have your international adoption recognized as not all states give the same rights and priviledges to internationally adopted children as they do to domestically adopted or biological children. I tried to explain what it was, the importance of it, the significance of it, etc. She seemed unimpressed at best. We gave her a special necklace, but she simply put it away (even though we repeatedly told her it was to mark today's special day) and wore another one. We had several friends there in attendance to celebrate the occasion, but she still seemed unimpressed. We get home and begins the horrible attitude. The.entire.day.she.was.in.a.mood.
When PB is in a mood, she tries everything in her "power" to push buttons. It almost ALWAYS revolves around Jelly. Occasionally its me, but almost always its Jelly. Thankfully Jelly is so gosh darn sweet and caring, and yet so clueless that she doesn't seem to mind. She always seems more concerned about making sure PB is okay than anything. I hope Jelly doesn't remember the way PB acts at this time period, but on the other hand, I hope she does so that in the future she and PB can talk about it (when PB gets it together a bit more). What does she "do" to Jelly? Well, she's either trying to get her in trouble (which she's done since the beginning, and only now does on occasion), but honestly now we've moved to the point where she now says "she is NOT my sister" or "my sister no good" or "my family good..mom, dad, me. good. sister, no good." Drives me up the bloomin' wall. But today I had a revelation. Today was the first time she said "she is NOT my sister. I have sisters in China, but she is NOT my sister." I got firm and said we do not talk like that in this house, she IS your sister whether you like it or not. Then I simply walked away. The crazy thing is that Jelly has bad days (especially when she's tired & hungry), but Jelly was NOT even being bad or crazy or rude...she was minding her own business! It came out of nowhere. PB later brought it again, said something about "forgiving my sister"...to which I said, what did she do? (I made her realize she was meaning to say sorry.) but then it happened several times over the afternoon. It was then I came to the realization that its about attention. Its about feeling as though she's not getting attention at that moment and she wants a reaction so she says it. You know, negative attention is better than no attention. Not that she's not getting attention, but she wasn't AT THAT MOMENT because heaven forbid, I actually have housework, school work, cooking, laundry, and various other business to conduct. I wasn't giving EITHER girl attention at that exact moment in time. So as the afternoon wore on, every time she made that I comment, I simply said, I'm sorry to hear that, but she is your sister and you have no choice in that matter.
Overall, PB is adjusting well. She did tell the translator at the medical clinic this week that she wants to get out on her own here (um, yeah this is NOT the orphanage grounds which are fenced in, but I understand you didn't realize the orphanage did not feel like it was fenced in and that you have no fear!). And she has no friends here while she had tons of friends in China (um, you lived there for 13 YEARS and here for 3 MONTHS, lets put some perspective into this here!). She is learning the language well, obviously we have a long way to go, but overall she is making great progress. She has an interest in learning now that we've had a conversation about how hard school is going to be and how she is so far behind. We have started giving her an allowance, which has been interesting because she spends it the MINUTE she gets/finds a penny and she spends every penny. If we go somewhere and she finds something she wants to buy, wait, let me rephrase that, she tends to find things EVERYWHERE we go that she wants to buy with the same small amount of money she has! I think the $5 she had she had spent on 10 different things. I think we will be having a conversation about requiring to save a portion of her money the mext time she gets moneybecause she needs to learn this valuable lesson.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Play therapy
Jelly's play therapist is amazing! We really, really love her. She's been a life saver for us since our social workers and case managers suck. Seriously. S-U-C-K. bad. While Jelly was at her session this week, PB & I were working on other things. This particular time she said she wanted to bring her art with her to work on while Jelly was playing. I was working on some other stuff, and didn't really notice what she was doing. I got done before she did, and looked at this picture she was drawing. I knew immediately that it was her drawing of our family, but I asked her what was on her picture. She said it was our family. I asked her who the different people were...KC, Jelly, me with her laying under us. I asked her why she was down there, and she said because she taking the picture and had to get in quickly. So, I asked her to show the play therapist the beautiful picture she had drawn.
At first, she was kind of shy about it, but as she continued to receive assurance that everything was good (and it is! She's an amazing artist!), she proudly showed the pictures. The play therapist noticed a few things about the picture (besides the obvious that she does not feel like she fits into our family). She noticed the eyes for me and PB were both open...that she longed for my approval and to become more connected to me. How interesting. That's one of the things I struggle with the most. Not that I don't accept her or don't want to be connected with her, but some days I have to work VERY HARD to feel that way. In fact, some days I have to preach to myself (as our pastor calls it). I have to give myself a good talking to, that yes, I do love her...yes, I do want her to be my daughter...yes, she is a gift...yes, she is amazing...yes, she is God's gift to us...no, I did not ruin my family...yes, she is struggling to find her place...yes, I want to spend time with her...etc. Some days its really hard...but I've come to realize that I truly love her...that I want her to feel the love and acceptance of a mom like she's never had before. But, some days when she's pushed all my buttons..and Jelly's been mistreated (unnecessarily and unfairly), it is VERY hard. I do love her...I am glad she's my daughter...I am blessed. (repeat)
At first, she was kind of shy about it, but as she continued to receive assurance that everything was good (and it is! She's an amazing artist!), she proudly showed the pictures. The play therapist noticed a few things about the picture (besides the obvious that she does not feel like she fits into our family). She noticed the eyes for me and PB were both open...that she longed for my approval and to become more connected to me. How interesting. That's one of the things I struggle with the most. Not that I don't accept her or don't want to be connected with her, but some days I have to work VERY HARD to feel that way. In fact, some days I have to preach to myself (as our pastor calls it). I have to give myself a good talking to, that yes, I do love her...yes, I do want her to be my daughter...yes, she is a gift...yes, she is amazing...yes, she is God's gift to us...no, I did not ruin my family...yes, she is struggling to find her place...yes, I want to spend time with her...etc. Some days its really hard...but I've come to realize that I truly love her...that I want her to feel the love and acceptance of a mom like she's never had before. But, some days when she's pushed all my buttons..and Jelly's been mistreated (unnecessarily and unfairly), it is VERY hard. I do love her...I am glad she's my daughter...I am blessed. (repeat)
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
New Olympic Sport
I swear to you if pouting was an Olympic sport, PB would get a gold metal today. I'm sure hormones are contributing to this particular trait this morning. However, its been two days without KC who's out of town on a work trip. She's been a mood since right before he left. Let me back up a bit...
I think it all started on Friday night when she called her friends that are still at the orphanage. We had to try for a good 30 minutes before we were able to get a hold of them. She talked to several of them during that call. She talked for about 90 or so minutes (thank goodness skype is only 2.3 cents a minute!). She was very excited about the call...and was literally jumping around the house she was so excited. She really enjoyed talking with them since she hadn't since we got home from China. She has such a difficult time understanding the 13 hour time difference. I cannot tell you how many times I have explained to her, she still seems to forget. (Another one of those moments I have to remember she's really only 7 or 8.) At any rate, she was very happy. I'm quite sure it was very late before she was finally able to fall asleep.
Saturday seemed fine. Sunday, however, was a tough day at our house. Jelly seemed to be in a mood and was behaving badly (hitting, spitting, screaming, etc.). But she was behaving that way to everyone...it was not aimed at just one person. So, after Jelly went to bed, PB started a conversation (via translator) about how her sister was a horrible child. It then moved to Google translate...where she further told me she did not like her sister because she was "not good". The bottom line was that she did not feel that we were addressing the poor behavior Jelly was expressing. She was concerned that Jelly would be even more mean and naughty when she got older. PB felt that her friends' sisters were all very good, but her sister was not. I tried to explain to her that I guaranteed that her friends had moments when everything was not rosie. She disagreed. Then the tears came. The sadness in her eyes...it made me want to embrace her to provide comfort (she wanted nothing to do with the embrace). I suggested we call one of her friends, M, who's been home since September and has a younger sister. At first, she didn't want to. But, an hour later, she said yes she did want to call her.
So, after an hour of us talking about the same things (us saying, the girl is FOUR YEARS old...sometimes they misbehave. That's what 4 yr olds do). She called M. M's mom and I have chatted on numerous occasions. They cried together on skype. M's mom tried to help M explain to PB how difficult it was when she first came home. How her sister had trouble sharing her mom & dad as well. That this is all new for Jelly, too. We ended up on the phone for 2 hours. Poor KC had to get up ridiculously early to catch his early flight. He wanted to go to bed early, but this conversation started at 7:30pm, and he stuck it out until the end. PB would ask M to tell us something. One thing she said was that the way Jelly acted was like a stick going into her heart. (A little dramatic, I would say.) At any rate, I knew the entire discussion and pain she felt had very little to do with Jelly and everything to do with PB's realization that the vacation was over. Her friends were still at the orphanage (although one is meeting her forever family in a few days). She knew her safe place at the orphanage. She knew her place at the orphanage. She could stay away from people she didn't care for (when she didn't care for them) at the orphanage. But here, this is forever. She hasn't found her "safe place" when she was sad or hurt or frustrated. She realizes that she's not going back. I think that is exciting on one hand and on the other hand she wants what she is familiar with. I can appreciate that.
At the end of the entire thing, she said she could forgive her sister for not being kind (she is FOUR after all!) like it never happened. Yesterday she woke up still a bit mopey. We went to the zoo with some friends. I thought she'd enjoy it...she loves animals and she loves zoos. She did not like it. When I asked her why, she said because there was no peacock. Seriously??? You mean being literally within arms reach of giraffes (another favorite animal) wasn't good? I said, well, that's too bad, as I'm sure we'll be here several more times in the future (we have a membership). As I was discussing it with KC last night, I realized the reason she probably did not like it was because in China the animals are in cages with cement floors and bars. In fact, I would venture to guess the cages for a tiger is smaller than my 17'x18' living room. Our zoo has more natural habitat areas. The elephants, giraffes, zebras and gazelles have over 5 acres to roam on. They have several areas where you can see them, but they are not RIGHT IN YOUR face like in China. The tiger's habitat is probable an acre, so you don't always get to see them. These are the kinds of zoos she's familiar with. So from that perspective, I can see how she wouldn't like it. She liked the cheetah area because they were pacing right up by the window. But she was all mopey at the zoo, too...so I don't know what her deal was. She did eventually get over it and was better toward the end.
When we got back, all of us were tired. Jelly got up before 5am and I hadn't gotten into bed until after 11pm. I had slept horrible, too. So, we all took a nap. Then she woke up and just complained about how cold she was. I suggested she go outside (it was over 100* out) to warm up. She didn't want to do that. She just wanted to grumble about being cold. I suggested she get the mail. She didn't want to do that either. So, Jelly & I walked down there...and was mad about that, but she eventually got over it (I guess).
Today she didn't want to go for a short walk (normally she loves to go for walks). So, Jelly & I just went around the neighborhood. I mean, really. I guess I need to get used to having the teen girl in my house...and they tend to pout and mope around. I just have so little patience for that type of behavior regardless of who has it!
I think it all started on Friday night when she called her friends that are still at the orphanage. We had to try for a good 30 minutes before we were able to get a hold of them. She talked to several of them during that call. She talked for about 90 or so minutes (thank goodness skype is only 2.3 cents a minute!). She was very excited about the call...and was literally jumping around the house she was so excited. She really enjoyed talking with them since she hadn't since we got home from China. She has such a difficult time understanding the 13 hour time difference. I cannot tell you how many times I have explained to her, she still seems to forget. (Another one of those moments I have to remember she's really only 7 or 8.) At any rate, she was very happy. I'm quite sure it was very late before she was finally able to fall asleep.
Saturday seemed fine. Sunday, however, was a tough day at our house. Jelly seemed to be in a mood and was behaving badly (hitting, spitting, screaming, etc.). But she was behaving that way to everyone...it was not aimed at just one person. So, after Jelly went to bed, PB started a conversation (via translator) about how her sister was a horrible child. It then moved to Google translate...where she further told me she did not like her sister because she was "not good". The bottom line was that she did not feel that we were addressing the poor behavior Jelly was expressing. She was concerned that Jelly would be even more mean and naughty when she got older. PB felt that her friends' sisters were all very good, but her sister was not. I tried to explain to her that I guaranteed that her friends had moments when everything was not rosie. She disagreed. Then the tears came. The sadness in her eyes...it made me want to embrace her to provide comfort (she wanted nothing to do with the embrace). I suggested we call one of her friends, M, who's been home since September and has a younger sister. At first, she didn't want to. But, an hour later, she said yes she did want to call her.
So, after an hour of us talking about the same things (us saying, the girl is FOUR YEARS old...sometimes they misbehave. That's what 4 yr olds do). She called M. M's mom and I have chatted on numerous occasions. They cried together on skype. M's mom tried to help M explain to PB how difficult it was when she first came home. How her sister had trouble sharing her mom & dad as well. That this is all new for Jelly, too. We ended up on the phone for 2 hours. Poor KC had to get up ridiculously early to catch his early flight. He wanted to go to bed early, but this conversation started at 7:30pm, and he stuck it out until the end. PB would ask M to tell us something. One thing she said was that the way Jelly acted was like a stick going into her heart. (A little dramatic, I would say.) At any rate, I knew the entire discussion and pain she felt had very little to do with Jelly and everything to do with PB's realization that the vacation was over. Her friends were still at the orphanage (although one is meeting her forever family in a few days). She knew her safe place at the orphanage. She knew her place at the orphanage. She could stay away from people she didn't care for (when she didn't care for them) at the orphanage. But here, this is forever. She hasn't found her "safe place" when she was sad or hurt or frustrated. She realizes that she's not going back. I think that is exciting on one hand and on the other hand she wants what she is familiar with. I can appreciate that.
At the end of the entire thing, she said she could forgive her sister for not being kind (she is FOUR after all!) like it never happened. Yesterday she woke up still a bit mopey. We went to the zoo with some friends. I thought she'd enjoy it...she loves animals and she loves zoos. She did not like it. When I asked her why, she said because there was no peacock. Seriously??? You mean being literally within arms reach of giraffes (another favorite animal) wasn't good? I said, well, that's too bad, as I'm sure we'll be here several more times in the future (we have a membership). As I was discussing it with KC last night, I realized the reason she probably did not like it was because in China the animals are in cages with cement floors and bars. In fact, I would venture to guess the cages for a tiger is smaller than my 17'x18' living room. Our zoo has more natural habitat areas. The elephants, giraffes, zebras and gazelles have over 5 acres to roam on. They have several areas where you can see them, but they are not RIGHT IN YOUR face like in China. The tiger's habitat is probable an acre, so you don't always get to see them. These are the kinds of zoos she's familiar with. So from that perspective, I can see how she wouldn't like it. She liked the cheetah area because they were pacing right up by the window. But she was all mopey at the zoo, too...so I don't know what her deal was. She did eventually get over it and was better toward the end.
When we got back, all of us were tired. Jelly got up before 5am and I hadn't gotten into bed until after 11pm. I had slept horrible, too. So, we all took a nap. Then she woke up and just complained about how cold she was. I suggested she go outside (it was over 100* out) to warm up. She didn't want to do that. She just wanted to grumble about being cold. I suggested she get the mail. She didn't want to do that either. So, Jelly & I walked down there...and was mad about that, but she eventually got over it (I guess).
Today she didn't want to go for a short walk (normally she loves to go for walks). So, Jelly & I just went around the neighborhood. I mean, really. I guess I need to get used to having the teen girl in my house...and they tend to pout and mope around. I just have so little patience for that type of behavior regardless of who has it!
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Grieving: Me not Her
One thing that has taken me by surprise on this journey has been my grief. I'm not grieving over the life we've lost. Not at all. I'm grieving over the time we missed. I look at Jelly and I am overwhelmed with how blessed we are to be her parents. Don't get me wrong, I feel the same about PB, but I grieve that PB wasn't with us when she was 4. Yes, we did miss the first 10 months of Jelly's life. And I had to grieve over that, too. But I missed the past 13 YEARS of PB life. I wasn't there to comfort her when she had the stomach bug. I missed tending to her when she got the chicken pox. I'm sad I wasn't there when she was so sick for two MONTHS that the teachers told her she was lucky to survive. Yes, she was that sick. She did not know what was wrong, but she was in isolation. In fact, there was only one girl who was willing to play with her as she wasn't afraid to get whatever PB had. Boy, that breaks my heart. I stare at Jelly's face while she sleeps peacefully in my arms, and I grieve over not having had that pleasure with PB. My heart overflows with love for Jelly. I love PB. I really, truly do. I'm completely overwhelmed at what God has done in her life without us. I'm overwhelmed that WE get to be her forever family. God has blessed me SO MUCH with two amazing girls. And my love for PB continues to grow. My favorite part of the day is bedtime. Not just because I finally get to fall into bed (and maybe KC & I have some time to talk about day/week/future), but because I get to hug PB and kiss her on the head. I can sometimes squeeze in a hug here or there, but I ALWAYS get one at bedtime. In fact, the other day I had to run some errands after dinner, and I was honestly sad that I was going to miss giving her my nighttime hug/kisses. I hoped she would still be up when I got home, but she had gone to bed (she often goes to bed very early if its just KC at home).
We've made such progress in the six weeks we've been a family of 4. And I look forward to what the future holds for her. For us. I do get tired of the complaining how hot it is...after all it is summer. But, that's probably the typical 13 year old behavior. I'm so glad that God brought PB to us.
We've made such progress in the six weeks we've been a family of 4. And I look forward to what the future holds for her. For us. I do get tired of the complaining how hot it is...after all it is summer. But, that's probably the typical 13 year old behavior. I'm so glad that God brought PB to us.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The state of attachment
Overall, things are going really well. PB is spending more time out with the family. She's reaching out to KC by trying to teach him Chinese. He's enjoying the kidding with her, but then there are times she wants to do it when he's just exhausted. She's doing better about sleeping until a semi-normal time (contrary to Jelly who wakes up before the sun!), but if she hears us at all, she will get up. She does not like to go to bed early, but KC & I do b/c KC works early and Jelly wakes up so cotton pickin' early. Besides, we need some time for each other. I've told her this week that we are heading to bed around 8:30ish and if she is not tired, then she can read before she goes to sleep. That has seemed to work, and she doesn't make quite the groan as she used to.
We've been working on English and math. Considering she's only been with us about 6 weeks, she does pretty good with English. Since I am not a teacher (well, not for kids anyways!), I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants. I have a phonics/writing book that I got for Jelly a LONG time ago. I sort of forgot I had it, and in many ways she's past it, so I pulled it out for PB. We don't use the book as it is intended, but use it as an opportunity to spell the word for each picture as well as color, etc. Its providing us lots of great opportunities to help her pronounce the words/letters, etc. She really likes to work. I also found a great website for working on math. You can find it HERE. You can play math games, print worksheets, complete quizzes online, etc. Great website!
At the recommendation of the play therapist, I've gotten several family fun activities to try. Some of them require way too many materials, but there are several that are just plain fun/good. I'm still going through them and hope to have some we can try in the next few days while we're at home as well as this weekend to do as a family. KC went back to work this week...and has had to work late every night this week (except Friday). Not exactly an ideal way to "transition" into him going back to work (for any of us!). Oh well. Can't do much about it.
We've been working on English and math. Considering she's only been with us about 6 weeks, she does pretty good with English. Since I am not a teacher (well, not for kids anyways!), I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants. I have a phonics/writing book that I got for Jelly a LONG time ago. I sort of forgot I had it, and in many ways she's past it, so I pulled it out for PB. We don't use the book as it is intended, but use it as an opportunity to spell the word for each picture as well as color, etc. Its providing us lots of great opportunities to help her pronounce the words/letters, etc. She really likes to work. I also found a great website for working on math. You can find it HERE. You can play math games, print worksheets, complete quizzes online, etc. Great website!
At the recommendation of the play therapist, I've gotten several family fun activities to try. Some of them require way too many materials, but there are several that are just plain fun/good. I'm still going through them and hope to have some we can try in the next few days while we're at home as well as this weekend to do as a family. KC went back to work this week...and has had to work late every night this week (except Friday). Not exactly an ideal way to "transition" into him going back to work (for any of us!). Oh well. Can't do much about it.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Struggles Round 1
I would be lying if I said that I was completely enamored by PB. I realize she's only been in our family for 4 weeks, but there are times I really do not like her. Don't get me wrong, she is amazing. And I would not blame these times I am not enamored by her on her, but take complete responsibility for the fact that I need to focus on getting to know her more and embrace OUR new family. Overall, she is a great fit for our family. She loves Jelly very, very much (and tells anyone who asks her--in English or Chinese). Jelly really, really loves PB as well. She certainly complements are family quite well. But there are times that I think, why did we change what we had? Life with Jelly was plenty. PB is a negotiator (in fact, she should consider studying law!). And its constant negotiation. Constant. It could be bedtime, how long she talks to her friends, when she takes a shower, what she can eat (and how much!) or any other host of possibilities. It becomes exhausting at times.
One area that we started working on over the past few days is food. I don't recall it being much of an issue in China, but once we got home she began overeating. I'm not just talking about occasionally binging on a food. I mean eating 2 whole sandwiches (complete with 4 pieces of bread, turkey, cheese and peanut butter) in addition to rice or noodles or whatever we are having. The girl is not THAT big. Seriously. There is no way that she can eat 2 grill cheese sandwiches, a ton of watermelon, some strawberries and juice for one meal. She was doing this 2-3 meals a day. I don't know how her stomach did not hurt all the time. At first, we took the approach of her not feeling like we were restricting her access to food and letting her eat whatever she wanted. But, as it became apparent after being home for a week that she was going to keep doing this, we talked to both our play therapist and a social worker from the agency. Both suggested we control how much we make (such as 4 sandwiches for 4 people) and simply say, everyone is only having 1 sandwich. However, if you are still hungry you can have...(for us it was: apple, carrots, or whatever fresh veggies we had on hand). The first few times I implemented this approach, she went to KC and asked if she could have another sandwich since she did not like my answer.
Another problem we have is patience. PB can be very demanding. Very.very.very demanding. When she wants something, she wants it N.O.W. Case in point: she told me Monday night she wanted a haircut (aka take me to get a haircut right now). I told her that we could not go Tuesday and I was not sure if we could on Wednesday (as I had 2 appointments--1 for her and 1 for JB). I cannot even count the number of times she asked when she was getting her haircut today (Wednesday). This week is the last week that KC is home on leave. Consequently, we've scheduled a million appointments for this week. So, Thursday we again have 2 appointments. I keep telling her that maybe we can go in the morning, and she does not like the word "maybe". She wants DEFINITE plans. Well, my definite plans would be that she would have to wait until next week or she can have KC take her. She's made it clear that she wants me to take her. So, she must wait. We had this same waiting problem when we were traveling as well. I knew she'd be hungry on the plane, but she refused to eat before we got on the plane "because she was not hungry". Just as I suspected, she turned to me an hour before landing saying "I'm hungry." There was not one thing I could do...she just had to wait. Let me again say...she HATES waiting.
Overall, PB is doing well (especially considering we've had her less than a month and she's only been home 2 weeks). We're adjusting to the changes. We've had some rough patches...but we've had some fun, too. She truly has joy and we'll be fine. But some days...and at some points...
One area that we started working on over the past few days is food. I don't recall it being much of an issue in China, but once we got home she began overeating. I'm not just talking about occasionally binging on a food. I mean eating 2 whole sandwiches (complete with 4 pieces of bread, turkey, cheese and peanut butter) in addition to rice or noodles or whatever we are having. The girl is not THAT big. Seriously. There is no way that she can eat 2 grill cheese sandwiches, a ton of watermelon, some strawberries and juice for one meal. She was doing this 2-3 meals a day. I don't know how her stomach did not hurt all the time. At first, we took the approach of her not feeling like we were restricting her access to food and letting her eat whatever she wanted. But, as it became apparent after being home for a week that she was going to keep doing this, we talked to both our play therapist and a social worker from the agency. Both suggested we control how much we make (such as 4 sandwiches for 4 people) and simply say, everyone is only having 1 sandwich. However, if you are still hungry you can have...(for us it was: apple, carrots, or whatever fresh veggies we had on hand). The first few times I implemented this approach, she went to KC and asked if she could have another sandwich since she did not like my answer.
Another problem we have is patience. PB can be very demanding. Very.very.very demanding. When she wants something, she wants it N.O.W. Case in point: she told me Monday night she wanted a haircut (aka take me to get a haircut right now). I told her that we could not go Tuesday and I was not sure if we could on Wednesday (as I had 2 appointments--1 for her and 1 for JB). I cannot even count the number of times she asked when she was getting her haircut today (Wednesday). This week is the last week that KC is home on leave. Consequently, we've scheduled a million appointments for this week. So, Thursday we again have 2 appointments. I keep telling her that maybe we can go in the morning, and she does not like the word "maybe". She wants DEFINITE plans. Well, my definite plans would be that she would have to wait until next week or she can have KC take her. She's made it clear that she wants me to take her. So, she must wait. We had this same waiting problem when we were traveling as well. I knew she'd be hungry on the plane, but she refused to eat before we got on the plane "because she was not hungry". Just as I suspected, she turned to me an hour before landing saying "I'm hungry." There was not one thing I could do...she just had to wait. Let me again say...she HATES waiting.
Overall, PB is doing well (especially considering we've had her less than a month and she's only been home 2 weeks). We're adjusting to the changes. We've had some rough patches...but we've had some fun, too. She truly has joy and we'll be fine. But some days...and at some points...
Introducing Peanut Butter
We got PB when she was over 13 yrs old. She came to us in late April 2011 and has only been home for about a month. PB is very outgoing. Even while still in China, people always commented on her being extroverted and not being afraid to talk to people. She is also very social. She has a long list of friends that she regularly wants to communicate with that she knew (or knows) from the orphanage. Some of these friends are still left at the orphanage while others have forever families. She seems to have a soft heart for those that have some special needs. She knows Chinese sign language because one of her friends at the orphanage used it to communicate. She seems to have no fears at least socially. She seems comfortable in any social situation--even when she does not know anyone at the beginning. While in China, she was not afraid to order for us when we were in a restaurant that only spoke Chinese. In fact, on one occasion, she had ordered a fish that was taking far too long to arrive. We were both full with the other things that she had ordered, so she called the waitress over to see how much longer it would before the fish would be done. I gathered it was going to be a while, so she told them not to bring it to us. We paid for the other things we had gotten and were on our way.
She constantly impresses me with her social abilities. Now, this boldness has a negative side. At Jelly's 4th birthday party, PB decided that she did not like one of Jelly's friends. She repeatedly (and loudly) told me that she did not like this little girl. In fact, this little girl's mom is one of my very good friends. She even said it loudly in front of the little girl and her mom. When we got home, she continued to rehash how much she did not like this little girl. KC told her the little girl was tired which made her behave that way. He repeated it every time she commented on how she did not like this little girl. Another case was when we went to the doctor. The doctor spoke Chinese, but was Japanese. I guess she asked the doctor if she was Chinese. When she said Japanese, PB said "I no like Japanese." She then repeated it over and over (both in and out of the doctor's presence). Clearly this is something we need to work on!
She constantly impresses me with her social abilities. Now, this boldness has a negative side. At Jelly's 4th birthday party, PB decided that she did not like one of Jelly's friends. She repeatedly (and loudly) told me that she did not like this little girl. In fact, this little girl's mom is one of my very good friends. She even said it loudly in front of the little girl and her mom. When we got home, she continued to rehash how much she did not like this little girl. KC told her the little girl was tired which made her behave that way. He repeated it every time she commented on how she did not like this little girl. Another case was when we went to the doctor. The doctor spoke Chinese, but was Japanese. I guess she asked the doctor if she was Chinese. When she said Japanese, PB said "I no like Japanese." She then repeated it over and over (both in and out of the doctor's presence). Clearly this is something we need to work on!
Monday, April 18, 2011
Introducing ME!
I am mom to Jelly who's a preschooler and Peanut Butter who's a teenager. Both Jelly & PB are adopted from China. Jelly was 11 months old when she came home while PB was 13 yrs old. We just met PB and are beginning our attachment "dance" with her.
I've been married to King Candy (KC) for nearly 14 years. We met in a small community in an even smaller church. Lets just say it was a divine meeting. There's no other way to state it. We moved to Texas weeks after getting married. We spent most of the first decade of our marriage focusing on education. In fact, I finally finished mine (well, mostly) my PhD last year. It was not easy to complete with a toddler/preschooler, but it did thanks to the huge support from KC and a few divine appointments! However, we did have a baby boy born with a fatal chromosomal problem who only lived 7 days before being called to heaven.
I've been married to King Candy (KC) for nearly 14 years. We met in a small community in an even smaller church. Lets just say it was a divine meeting. There's no other way to state it. We moved to Texas weeks after getting married. We spent most of the first decade of our marriage focusing on education. In fact, I finally finished mine (well, mostly) my PhD last year. It was not easy to complete with a toddler/preschooler, but it did thanks to the huge support from KC and a few divine appointments! However, we did have a baby boy born with a fatal chromosomal problem who only lived 7 days before being called to heaven.
Introducing Jelly
Jelly is a sweet little girl who has huge anxiety issues. Most likely stemming from her orphanage life, Jelly hates to sleep. Or rather, hates to GO TO sleep. She's had this problem as long as she has been home. She also gets up ridiculously early--4 am--which is really still middle of the night for most people. I do not want to hear your advice on how to get her to go to sleep on her own or get her to sleep later. Believe me, we've tried it. We've been to the pediatrician, a pediatric sleep specialist, play therapist and finally psychiatrist. We've tried it all: magnesium, melatonin, crying it out, behavioral modification as well as sedatives. None have solved our problem. Most worked for a short period of time, but overall did not solve the problem. I believe we are now on the right path (but just started it so we don't know yet). We started anti-anxiety medication in addition to weekly play therapy. It is promising, but not solved yet.
Jelly is a beautiful girl who is incredibly sweet. Everyone who meets her loves her. She has a connection to so many people. She's loving, caring, compassionate (but she is only 4 yrs old) and so precious. I love her dearly.
When Jelly came home, she was incredibly insecure and unsure. Yes, she was only 11 months old how could she not be unsure? She didn't start talking until she was well over age 2, but she knew her colors long before then. But, since she didn't talk, we didn't realize it. She did sign, so she did communicate with us. And quite honestly, she is such a compliant child she rarely threw a fit about something. But, she was very sensitive for a long time. If there was laughing in the room (whether at her or not), she would completely lose it and cry. She's finally conquered the fear of people laughing at her. Thankfully.
She's fairly easy to please, which makes parenting her fairly easy. We cannot forget her start in life as she has 11 months where we are "missing" from her memories. Yes, if kids have trauma in their past, they remember it. Whether they are conscience memories or not, they do have memories--especially traumatic ones. I have read the research to prove it. If you want it, I can direct you to it.
And that's essentially Jelly.
Jelly is a beautiful girl who is incredibly sweet. Everyone who meets her loves her. She has a connection to so many people. She's loving, caring, compassionate (but she is only 4 yrs old) and so precious. I love her dearly.
When Jelly came home, she was incredibly insecure and unsure. Yes, she was only 11 months old how could she not be unsure? She didn't start talking until she was well over age 2, but she knew her colors long before then. But, since she didn't talk, we didn't realize it. She did sign, so she did communicate with us. And quite honestly, she is such a compliant child she rarely threw a fit about something. But, she was very sensitive for a long time. If there was laughing in the room (whether at her or not), she would completely lose it and cry. She's finally conquered the fear of people laughing at her. Thankfully.
She's fairly easy to please, which makes parenting her fairly easy. We cannot forget her start in life as she has 11 months where we are "missing" from her memories. Yes, if kids have trauma in their past, they remember it. Whether they are conscience memories or not, they do have memories--especially traumatic ones. I have read the research to prove it. If you want it, I can direct you to it.
And that's essentially Jelly.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)